Thursday, 22 November 2012

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Psychiatrist...

Not that I've ever been to one. Just liked the title.

Related blog though.

Recently been struggling with a few things with Trace being sick as a dog with the potential of worse case scenario looming like a fucking freight train while you're tied to the tracks, and work being a nightmare and the bloke I work with being a nightmare and no sleep all adding up to yours truly taking a day off yesterday just to gather my thoughts because I just felt like I couldn't fucking escape from ANYTHING.

I've had depression. I got shafted by my first real relationship with losing a house, a best friend, a dog, and a cat all in one foul swoop. I hit me. It hit me hard. It took me three or four years to figure out I had real head issues going on and I needed those issues to piss off. A basic realisation was all that happened. I woke up one day and just let it all go. Really, it was as simple as that. I went to a doctor back then and asked for help. She asked if I wanted anti-depressants ... just like everyone else who asks for help, apparently. Maybe, they just want fucking help, like I did. I said no thanks, and told her to go fuck herself, and walked out.

I found a men's 'group' that apparently dealt with things like this. Beauty, I thought. Went to like a meeting with this chick and her second question was "Do you go to church?". I told her to go fuck herself too, and walked out.

THAT'S when I thought I'm the only one here being punished for other's sins. Are these arseholes really worth beating yourself up over and what are you gaining from it. No, and nothing. And away it went. Like a black dog in the night.

Fast forward to yesterday.

I went to the doc yesterday, mostly for the docs certificate I needed for work for the day off. Hadn't slept since two that morning and I kinda felt a bit emotional. The doc asked what was going on. Long story short, it was like "BLEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH" and he asked if I wanted to see a shrink. Then it hit me.

Dunno if you really realise how many times you're asked in interviews, or applications for ANYTHING, that if you've ever sought psychological treatment? How much of a double edged sword is that. You can get treatment but the consequences of seeking professional help potentially VASTLY outweigh the issues you may be having before you see one. They can't tell the weapons office that you were only there because you felt a bit shit and needed some random shrink to just blow out on.

Get help, but here's a dildo for doing it, and bend over. It seems to me that mental health is a fundamentally flawed concept and as much as people are becoming more comfortable with people needing some sort of help. Probably because these days nearly everyone is fucked in the head, but there's still a lingering punishment for doing it. Bizarre, really.

As for me. The work shit will work itself out after Xmas. Trace is feeling better and she got some decent news so we'll wear that one till the next episode.



  1. Sorry that things are shit these days, Moko. You aren't self medicating, and that's good; knowing that you can right yourself means it'll be ok. I hope Trace continues to feel better.

  2. It sucks that there is still a stigma attached to mental health issues and getting help. It's likely that I've had depression in some form or another for at least 20 years. For the first time, I have accepted and maintained a medication regime, as well as counselling. I'm off work, trying to look after my mind and body, and will continue to do so for as long as it takes. I'm rarely this open about the situation, because it's ALWAYS in the back of my mind, that others may consider me weak, lazy and/or a malingerer. In the front of my mind I know that others' opinions are irrelevant, but it's still quite scary.

    Good luck to you Mokes. If you feel you don't want or need drugs or counselling that's awesome. I'm reasonably confident you won't judge me for my situation (see... it's just so damned hard to be positive about that with ANYONE). Sometimes we just need some time, whether that's a day, a week, or a year. Be kind to yourself, and talk to your friends.

    Glad to hear Tracey is improving. Sorry that you guys live on this knife edge every day. Hugs and kisses to you both.

  3. Yeah, break an arm, go to a doc, it's fine. Life piles on, you need some mental health help, you're nuts. Go figure. You've been through a lot since at least the big floods there. Don't know what to tell you but hang in and hang on. Good to hear your Better Half is picking up-I suspect that may help a bit.

  4. You do have mates, but, Moko. If you need to talk any time, we're here. I don't much care if you just tell me to fuck off, either, if that's what helps you make it through the night. Or too-early morning. Or whatever.

  5. There should be no consequences for seeking psych help, as there should be no consequences for getting any other sort of medical help. Of course, because people are cunts, it's not always the way. As you know the plot and I diverged slightly after cancer and work stress and shit - interesting how it takes a certain level of stress/anxiety/panic to tip background conditions over into serious issues - the most useful thing I did was have a program of meetings with a counsellor attached to the oncology dept. Talking to people about stuff is just fucking useful. Also, I'd suggest reading John Kirwan's book about (his) depression and anxiety. It's very good.

  6. IMO talking and sorting shit in yr head > drugs but both have their place.

  7. Ditto what Morgana said... should have made that clear in my last comment. Heaven knows you've listened to my gripes through some tough times... and been very supportive.

  8. Thanks guys. We're doing alright. Just tired and a bit snowed under. It'll pass, but not soon enough. I guess this post was in part to help myself out with a bit of dump and run. feel abit better from it too.

  9. Thanks Doc yeah absolutely agree. I heard Kirwin's book was good. Cheers for the head's up.

  10. I reckon there should be no divide between mental and other health hence no need for the term 'mental health'. Its a throwback to more ignorant times. It should be all lumped under one category, Health.
    Rock on, Mokes.


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