Thursday, 22 September 2016

Melancholy and The Infinite Sadness

These blogs are heading in a certain direction, aren't they? lol It's cheaper than therapy.

In the last episode things were pretty crazy last year. Now things are okay, but not. I'm not sure how I'm going to write this considering I don't know what I going to write.

You go through the day being okay. Really and truly. You're busy. There's things to do. There's a quick coffee to be had before you HAVE to get going. There's traffic to beat. There's times to be at places and so much work to do. You enjoy the people you're around. You have a laugh. You bitch and moan and occasionally stir someone. You enjoy your day, on the whole. You really do.

Alarms never break my sleep. Ever. I haven't been woken by the alarm in months. I'm awake as the dark is leaving. Caffeine, sugar, windows wound down at 100kmph, and busy, keeps shut down at bay. Constant headaches. Con. Stant. I go through an unbelievable amount of codeine. If I'm going to be honest with myself, 2/3's of what I take are to chill. I want to use the word numb. But it isn't. It's to chill. It's to feel warm and fuzzy and okay. It's to feel that fire place and the sheep skin rug on a rainy cold freezing arse day at the bottom of New Zealand at mum and dad's place when I was a kid. It's that feeling. It's to sleep. It's to recharge while the sun's gone because when it even hints at coming back, I'm awake.

I am okay, I think.

I try to keep my brain busy when I get home from work. I do genuinely care for others. I worry about others. I see an apparent injustice and I point and wave at that injustice and demands others do too. I demand you share my dismay at these injustices. Why can't you see the extent of this injustice as I do? I go looking for more and more people who experience these injustices and shove them in your face demanding you share my point of view.

For that, I apologise. My brain gets carried away. My brain doesn't stop doing brain things. It's over stimulated and understimulated at the same time. It's stimulated by artificial busyness. If it stops being busy it hits dead air.

Dead air is where the melancholy and the infinite sadness lives. It's seeing Tracy curled like a ball on her chair. It's seeing sickness creeping on her like a slow moving tidal wave of mud. Nothing can stop that mud. It's the tears that stream down my face watching her having gone from the vibrant woman I met to sick frail old lady looking fiance. It's that sinking feeling of despair and sadness that comes over me like it came from a bucket above my head.

Today we're off to palliative care for her pain med management.

Next week we get her wheelchair.

No idea what comes the week after that.

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Fear, Dread, and that damn Black Dog.

Life's a funny old thing. Just when you think you've got your shit together the old rug gets pulled out from under you.

I have been dealing with Tracy's illness for a long time and apart from the fear and dread you expect, you kinda find a way to deal with it. It's definitely easier when most other parts of your life are in check and running smoothly enough. With coming across a lot of homeless people in the day to day dealings of working in the city you come to understand how fragile the mind really is. All it takes is a few of the major moons and planets that balance your universe to become misaligned to affect the tides and amount of sun, rain, storms, and darkness.

Earlier this year Tracy got VERY sick. She wound up on life support for four days and the impact of initially walking into the room never leaves you. It really is a shock. A jolt. A fright. You're unknowingly left traumatised from what is best described as an injury to your psyche.

The Moon:

Work became out of sorts for me lately. I walked into work one Monday - about a month ago - and found out the job I've been doing for four and a half years is no longer mine. They put me into another area with promises of helping me to keep pursuing my career direction ... by not helping me keep pursuing my career direction. More and more I'm being pulled away from my choices.

The Sun:

What became apparent with Tracy's uh ... turn .. - for the want of a better description - earlier this year is that apart from her on-going issues there's a new one involved that is causing her body to attack muscles in an incredibly debilitating way. She was in hospital this week for treatment for it, and for some reason, this time, it hit me hard. I really don't if it's a hangover from that 'injury to the psyche' earlier this year, but I found myself incapacitated.

You think stupid things occasionally, but feeling the want to drive in to an on-coming truck really is a scary thing. It's not something I would ever do, and the moment I thought it I realised something was up. I pulled over. Got my shit together. And headed for work. I bypassed the usual ritual, and headed straight for HR.

"I'm not well. I need help."

Things feel out of control within myself. It's weird. I look like I always have, and kinda act like I always have. I function. I can pay my bills. But there's this ... thing ... on my shoulder. Panic, fear, dread and sadness, are its personalities. It's an inability to handle stressful situations, unlike how I've always been able to. I've always been armed with tools to handle stress. I can only do so much. I will give it my best, but if I fall short I know it was from things out of my control. I can justify why I fell short, and it wasn't from lack of professionalism and effort.

Work hard. Think straight.

Now it's panic, anger, fear, and frustration all rule with stress.

Fuck it.

I have a plan. A plan to shift that fucking Moon back into position. So why can't I follow through on it? Why can't I just DO IT???

I'm scared of work now, where it was my place to get my teeth into something I really did enjoy. It was a distraction from Tracy's on-going issues and things were in place within myself to handle whatever Tracy's body threw at us.

Now, it's an avalanche. Now things are too heavy. Now I'm weighed down.

I'm off work this week. HR and my boss gave me the week to try and figure things out. I have to ring tomorrow to let them know where I'm at. I'm scared shitless.

Just do it.

Monday, 15 December 2014