I love you more, too.

"I love you", I said.

"I love you more", she always replied.

We always loved each other equally. I never understood the "more". I always smiled and replied "Lies", and we laughed. We loved, from beginning to end. 

It wasn't until a random video scrolled past with someone saying, "When I say I love you more, I don't just mean I love you more than you love me. I love you more than the bad days ahead of us."

On it went. Really beautiful and it truly clicked. I loved you more than the pain of watching you die. I loved you more than the impact of seeing your body collapse around you. I loved you more than running when you were holding my hand and you said "I can't see anymore". I loved you more than freezing knowing that was because you were shutting down. I loved you more than running when I couldn't cope, and that was a lot. I loved you more than the fight to be there for you due to the very practical reason of life and work. I fought for you because I loved you more than the fight. 

I love you more, too.  

1250pm

 I kept my head busy today. All day. Without a break. Watching videos on Youtube and Facebook. I just couldn't let my brain free from influence. I knew why. Of course, as the universe is, it punches you in the face saying "I know what you're fucking doing. Face it". So on comes this video from a TV show with this old man sitting with his passed-away wife and the doctor comes in. "1622", says the old man. "I'm sorry?" says the doctor. "It's when she passed".

I burst. Tears streaming down my face. "Fuck you", I say to the universe. "I had it under control", knowing the universe knows your truth and your lies. I'm dreading going to bed. I woke at 0500 knowing at some point today I have to go to bed where my mind rules until sleep takes hold. 

1250pm. My first birthday alone. 

Are you free?

I had a moment last night. The feelings of hugging Tracy came back when I looked at her ashes. That plastic box of ash is her. It is the girl I danced for while she was in the toilet. It's the girl that I sang duets with. It is the girl who trusted me with her life unconditionally. I have this overwhelming need to set her free. There are plans for that, but I don't have the ability to achieve that for her right now. It completely broke me. Sorry, I'm struggling today. That is what I'm doing.

 SO were you.

Some people read my last post so I thought I'd update.

Tracy moved on with the angels last Wednesday the 6th July. 

<3

"You were a wonderful partner"

 I can't talk about this on my normal socials yet, so my anonymous Blogger gets it.

Tracy finally called it. She formally requested palliative to step in yesterday and thankfully I got there super fucking early. I got much of the morning with her by myself but at some point we had to say good bye.

Her last words to me were "You were a wonderful partner". It broke me, and still does thinking about it. I am not okay and I can't talk to anyone I don't contact outside of Facebook, short of family and close friends due to the wishes of her mother. But you know how close you can get to people you've never met. It's weird that way. I need them.

She's comfortable now and sedated. Just waiting for her to pass.  

I am not okay. 

 

While I scream for God's attention my demons laugh and wait.

 I struggle with life.

Most think it's where I'm at,

It isn't,

It's where I'm going. 

What do I have to offer,

What am I lacking,

To be me.

I see my future.

I can describe what it looks like.

It's a massive blank sheet with nothing written on it.

It's a snow storm in my mind.

It's quiet.

It's cold. 

No sound is getting through,

From the echoes of my dreams,

My screams into the distance,

Pleading for purpose,

For destination.

There's no return,

Like a sonar never touching mass.  

Like a dove,

Never finding land.

Did it drown,

In the futility,

Of effort.

Is it happy,

Somewhere,

With someone,

That found me,

Screaming into their own distance.

Did their sonar,

Find mine,

Losing the echo,

In purpose,

And embrace.

I hope.

I hope.