Looking for permission

 Some of you guys know me personally and I post this as a way of saying it, without actually saying it to my wider group of friends, family, and acquaintances. Much love to you all, and thank you for your unspoken love and support.

Tracy's decided she's had enough. She hasn't decided to stop taking her meds yet, but it feels like a matter of time. I've always said she gets to make that choice at some stage and until then she has to fight on. She's beaten things no one has but she knows she's at a point of no bouncing back now. She's beaten. It doesn't help her doctors have given up (it seems) and she's an incredibly intelligent woman who can see it. Things are getting more and more tough for her every day.

It's obviously incredibly traumatic and you HAVE TO step back mentally a bit or you'll break down right beside her. I can see her fighting inside herself to make these choices and I found her the other night just sitting in the dark and I said to her "Are you just contemplating life, hun?". She just said yes. As tough as it is to step back mentally from her you can see she's going through the same trauma deciding to let go from us. I obviously don't have any idea on where we go from here and how this will come about, but I think mentally, the choices have been made. She talks about it a bit and you can see her looking for permission, I guess. 

I obviously can't plant the seed of suggesting she stops her meds as it's such a dramatic and universe altering statement of granting permission it's a conclusion she needs to make for herself. She will, at some point. She needs to make that for herself, and she will get that support when it comes about. It's incredibly hard to not wear that personally and that's load you wish you could take from her. It's mercy for her, of course, and you need ..... okay ....I .... need to accept as made out of love. It's tough though. Incredibly tough.

<3