The gift of time

 Time is a gift we give and are given that we can't take back. A moment with a stranger can change you for the rest of the time you are given by life.

Grasp the value of time someone chooses to give you being the one they want to gift the most. It's breathtaking.

My Picture.

 When we are young and we meet someone new we sketch a picture of ourselves and hand it to them. Most of the time it doesn't matter if they like it or not. Over time we fill in the details of those sketches and look for approval as we go. We start to use colour and admit vulnerabilities and mistakes and try and erase or sketch over those things in an attempt to improve our image we gave to them. Sometimes our attempt at redrawing makes it worse and that person scrunches up your picture and throws it away. Sometimes those attempts at improving our picture or changing our mistakes are met with: 

"It's okay, my picture isn't perfect either and I see what you're trying to do. Keep trying. It's okay.". We are grateful for that understanding.

Many times the person held your picture for a long time it becomes too familiar and someone else is drawing a picture they like more or it's new and fresh and they need that change to aid themselves in improving their own picture. Sometimes the redrawing of their own picture begins to get filled with mistake after mistake and they've forgotten your picture in the focus of their own. 

"What's wrong with my picture?" you ask yourself. "I try to draw a nice picture and hand it out. I try really hard. It's not perfect but there are some really good parts, like here, and here, and here. Why don't you like my picture anymore? What is wrong with my picture?" as you forget everyone is drawing their own still. Sometimes they are so focused on their own they don't have the time for your picture. Sometimes they never really saw it. They glanced over it without allowing the time to see what's really there. Sometimes the picture is too detailed and difficult to grasp. Sometimes the picture just isn't their taste, and that's okay. You don't love everyone else's.

One day we realise we need to stop drawing pictures to hand out. "I'm tired of drawing pictures to please others" you say to yourself. SO you begin to craft a picture for yourself. You see your mistakes in other pictures you made. "Yeah, this mistake was mine, but it's part of my picture and I think it needs to stay. It's a mistake I can't fix but it's part of me. I accept the other mistakes too. Here are my wins. Here are my vulnerabilities. Here are my good parts."

You look at your picture and say: "Yes, that's me, but I'm not giving it away from now. Anyone I meet will see me hold up my picture and that's fine if they don't like it, appreciate it, or want to spend any time with it. Sure, there are coming mistakes and changes I don't know about, but see, I left a lot of blank space to fill in later when the need arises. I learnt from running out of space in my other pictures. It's me. I like it. I hope you do too".  

Pete.

The nature of love is self-abandonment...

Expanding on a line from The Dream of Life by Alan Watts. 

If the nature of love is self-abandonment. Then the journey of love is the enlightenment of human nature. The result of love is the learning of yourself. The rejection of love is the trail back to self. The loss of love is the path to the fear of self-abandonment.

Looking for permission

 Some of you guys know me personally and I post this as a way of saying it, without actually saying it to my wider group of friends, family, and acquaintances. Much love to you all, and thank you for your unspoken love and support.

Tracy's decided she's had enough. She hasn't decided to stop taking her meds yet, but it feels like a matter of time. I've always said she gets to make that choice at some stage and until then she has to fight on. She's beaten things no one has but she knows she's at a point of no bouncing back now. She's beaten. It doesn't help her doctors have given up (it seems) and she's an incredibly intelligent woman who can see it. Things are getting more and more tough for her every day.

It's obviously incredibly traumatic and you HAVE TO step back mentally a bit or you'll break down right beside her. I can see her fighting inside herself to make these choices and I found her the other night just sitting in the dark and I said to her "Are you just contemplating life, hun?". She just said yes. As tough as it is to step back mentally from her you can see she's going through the same trauma deciding to let go from us. I obviously don't have any idea on where we go from here and how this will come about, but I think mentally, the choices have been made. She talks about it a bit and you can see her looking for permission, I guess. 

I obviously can't plant the seed of suggesting she stops her meds as it's such a dramatic and universe altering statement of granting permission it's a conclusion she needs to make for herself. She will, at some point. She needs to make that for herself, and she will get that support when it comes about. It's incredibly hard to not wear that personally and that's load you wish you could take from her. It's mercy for her, of course, and you need ..... okay ....I .... need to accept as made out of love. It's tough though. Incredibly tough.

<3

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 Texts.

Hi hun, how are you doing today?

You there? 

Let me know how you're doing when you can.

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Next Day.

Morning beautiful. How you feeling?

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Next Day.

Morning. 

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Next Day.

I miss you.

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Next Day.

Sounds like the treatment went okay. How you feeling?

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Your mum messaged me and said you weren't doing well. You need me?

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I need you.

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I need us.

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Next Day. 

Next Day.

Next Day.

OMG Thanks for messaging. How you doing? I miss you. I love you.

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You miss the basics the most.