The Future is 2020 Hindsight

I can't tell you how many posts I've written and haven't published. Maybe I will just hit that switch on them one day and never look back at this. They've been therapy for me to put down but you do struggle with being too honest on the internet. To take that mask off, so to speak. That mask is more than just for others. It's for you, to cope. It's a barrier not just to others, but it's a barrier of denial to cope on days when you just can't.

While everyone is wishing HAPPY NEW YEAR and MAY NEXT YEAR BE YOUR BEST, I know the worst year of my life is imminent. My New Year is topped with sadness and dread. You love and appreciate what you've got but you know what you love and appreciate will be lost.

Tracy is sick. I don't want to go into details. She is battered but not beaten. I don't think she knows how to give up and we don't allow it. ANYONE else would've swallowed a bucket of pills and been done with it by now. She does get to make that call one day, and I'll be laying in the bed beside her holding her. But to be honest and truthful, the reaper will have to come for her. She won't ever punch that ticket.

Let me tell you a secret. Blogger. I'm going to marry her before I lose her. There really is a panic in me to make that happen. I don't know how and it can't be legally binding due to her status for care, but just a promise under God. I need that to happen. Soon.

I will show you that later. After.

I lost a confidant. They slinked away. I do understand, but it hurts. It's a real loss to my spirit. Everyone says they will be there, but it's too heavy for most. That why people do it professionally. There's a need. I do understand why they closed the door, but it's like losing access to hope. This is why this post is here, I think.

Thank you for listening.