"You were a wonderful partner"

 I can't talk about this on my normal socials yet, so my anonymous Blogger gets it.

Tracy finally called it. She formally requested palliative to step in yesterday and thankfully I got there super fucking early. I got much of the morning with her by myself but at some point we had to say good bye.

Her last words to me were "You were a wonderful partner". It broke me, and still does thinking about it. I am not okay and I can't talk to anyone I don't contact outside of Facebook, short of family and close friends due to the wishes of her mother. But you know how close you can get to people you've never met. It's weird that way. I need them.

She's comfortable now and sedated. Just waiting for her to pass.  

I am not okay. 

 

While I scream for God's attention my demons laugh and wait.

 I struggle with life.

Most think it's where I'm at,

It isn't,

It's where I'm going. 

What do I have to offer,

What am I lacking,

To be me.

I see my future.

I can describe what it looks like.

It's a massive blank sheet with nothing written on it.

It's a snow storm in my mind.

It's quiet.

It's cold. 

No sound is getting through,

From the echoes of my dreams,

My screams into the distance,

Pleading for purpose,

For destination.

There's no return,

Like a sonar never touching mass.  

Like a dove,

Never finding land.

Did it drown,

In the futility,

Of effort.

Is it happy,

Somewhere,

With someone,

That found me,

Screaming into their own distance.

Did their sonar,

Find mine,

Losing the echo,

In purpose,

And embrace.

I hope.

I hope.