1250pm

 I kept my head busy today. All day. Without a break. Watching videos on Youtube and Facebook. I just couldn't let my brain free from influence. I knew why. Of course, as the universe is, it punches you in the face saying "I know what you're fucking doing. Face it". So on comes this video from a TV show with this old man sitting with his passed-away wife and the doctor comes in. "1622", says the old man. "I'm sorry?" says the doctor. "It's when she passed".

I burst. Tears streaming down my face. "Fuck you", I say to the universe. "I had it under control", knowing the universe knows your truth and your lies. I'm dreading going to bed. I woke at 0500 knowing at some point today I have to go to bed where my mind rules until sleep takes hold. 

1250pm. My first birthday alone. 

Are you free?

I had a moment last night. The feelings of hugging Tracy came back when I looked at her ashes. That plastic box of ash is her. It is the girl I danced for while she was in the toilet. It's the girl that I sang duets with. It is the girl who trusted me with her life unconditionally. I have this overwhelming need to set her free. There are plans for that, but I don't have the ability to achieve that for her right now. It completely broke me. Sorry, I'm struggling today. That is what I'm doing.

 SO were you.

Some people read my last post so I thought I'd update.

Tracy moved on with the angels last Wednesday the 6th July. 

<3