Looking for permission

 Some of you guys know me personally and I post this as a way of saying it, without actually saying it to my wider group of friends, family, and acquaintances. Much love to you all, and thank you for your unspoken love and support.

Tracy's decided she's had enough. She hasn't decided to stop taking her meds yet, but it feels like a matter of time. I've always said she gets to make that choice at some stage and until then she has to fight on. She's beaten things no one has but she knows she's at a point of no bouncing back now. She's beaten. It doesn't help her doctors have given up (it seems) and she's an incredibly intelligent woman who can see it. Things are getting more and more tough for her every day.

It's obviously incredibly traumatic and you HAVE TO step back mentally a bit or you'll break down right beside her. I can see her fighting inside herself to make these choices and I found her the other night just sitting in the dark and I said to her "Are you just contemplating life, hun?". She just said yes. As tough as it is to step back mentally from her you can see she's going through the same trauma deciding to let go from us. I obviously don't have any idea on where we go from here and how this will come about, but I think mentally, the choices have been made. She talks about it a bit and you can see her looking for permission, I guess. 

I obviously can't plant the seed of suggesting she stops her meds as it's such a dramatic and universe altering statement of granting permission it's a conclusion she needs to make for herself. She will, at some point. She needs to make that for herself, and she will get that support when it comes about. It's incredibly hard to not wear that personally and that's load you wish you could take from her. It's mercy for her, of course, and you need ..... okay ....I .... need to accept as made out of love. It's tough though. Incredibly tough.

<3

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 Texts.

Hi hun, how are you doing today?

You there? 

Let me know how you're doing when you can.

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Next Day.

Morning beautiful. How you feeling?

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Next Day.

Morning. 

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Next Day.

I miss you.

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Next Day.

Sounds like the treatment went okay. How you feeling?

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Your mum messaged me and said you weren't doing well. You need me?

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I need you.

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I need us.

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Next Day. 

Next Day.

Next Day.

OMG Thanks for messaging. How you doing? I miss you. I love you.

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You miss the basics the most. 

The Future is 2020 Hindsight

I can't tell you how many posts I've written and haven't published. Maybe I will just hit that switch on them one day and never look back at this. They've been therapy for me to put down but you do struggle with being too honest on the internet. To take that mask off, so to speak. That mask is more than just for others. It's for you, to cope. It's a barrier not just to others, but it's a barrier of denial to cope on days when you just can't.

While everyone is wishing HAPPY NEW YEAR and MAY NEXT YEAR BE YOUR BEST, I know the worst year of my life is imminent. My New Year is topped with sadness and dread. You love and appreciate what you've got but you know what you love and appreciate will be lost.

Tracy is sick. I don't want to go into details. She is battered but not beaten. I don't think she knows how to give up and we don't allow it. ANYONE else would've swallowed a bucket of pills and been done with it by now. She does get to make that call one day, and I'll be laying in the bed beside her holding her. But to be honest and truthful, the reaper will have to come for her. She won't ever punch that ticket.

Let me tell you a secret. Blogger. I'm going to marry her before I lose her. There really is a panic in me to make that happen. I don't know how and it can't be legally binding due to her status for care, but just a promise under God. I need that to happen. Soon.

I will show you that later. After.

I lost a confidant. They slinked away. I do understand, but it hurts. It's a real loss to my spirit. Everyone says they will be there, but it's too heavy for most. That why people do it professionally. There's a need. I do understand why they closed the door, but it's like losing access to hope. This is why this post is here, I think.

Thank you for listening.