I love you more, too.

"I love you", I said.

"I love you more", she always replied.

We always loved each other equally. I never understood the "more". I always smiled and replied "Lies", and we laughed. We loved, from beginning to end. 

It wasn't until a random video scrolled past with someone saying, "When I say I love you more, I don't just mean I love you more than you love me. I love you more than the bad days ahead of us."

On it went. Really beautiful and it truly clicked. I loved you more than the pain of watching you die. I loved you more than the impact of seeing your body collapse around you. I loved you more than running when you were holding my hand and you said "I can't see anymore". I loved you more than freezing knowing that was because you were shutting down. I loved you more than running when I couldn't cope, and that was a lot. I loved you more than the fight to be there for you due to the very practical reason of life and work. I fought for you because I loved you more than the fight. 

I love you more, too.  

1250pm

 I kept my head busy today. All day. Without a break. Watching videos on Youtube and Facebook. I just couldn't let my brain free from influence. I knew why. Of course, as the universe is, it punches you in the face saying "I know what you're fucking doing. Face it". So on comes this video from a TV show with this old man sitting with his passed-away wife and the doctor comes in. "1622", says the old man. "I'm sorry?" says the doctor. "It's when she passed".

I burst. Tears streaming down my face. "Fuck you", I say to the universe. "I had it under control", knowing the universe knows your truth and your lies. I'm dreading going to bed. I woke at 0500 knowing at some point today I have to go to bed where my mind rules until sleep takes hold. 

1250pm. My first birthday alone. 

Are you free?

I had a moment last night. The feelings of hugging Tracy came back when I looked at her ashes. That plastic box of ash is her. It is the girl I danced for while she was in the toilet. It's the girl that I sang duets with. It is the girl who trusted me with her life unconditionally. I have this overwhelming need to set her free. There are plans for that, but I don't have the ability to achieve that for her right now. It completely broke me. Sorry, I'm struggling today. That is what I'm doing.